Jasper's Fish
by CC heere
Summary: Well, Jasper gets a fish. It soon gets better...
1. Fish

One day, Jasper came home looking _HAPPY. _And I mean_ happy. _Well, of course you can imagine the shock this caused, but in Vampire World this doesn't really matter. Seven -or was it eight? - Pairs of curious eyes gazed at him.

Edward was the first to relax. "A goldfish?" he asked, puzzled.

There was a plastic bag clutched in Jasper's right hand- and in it there was a delightful little golden creature swimming a bit distress-fully.

"It's beautiful," said Esme lovingly. Rosalie snorted.

"Hmm… I never studied to become a vet," said Carlisle. "I wonder what a goldfish's blood pressure is."

"It doesn't DO anything!" cried Emmett, prodding at the side of the bag.

Jasper glowered at him. "He's scared of you, you big whale!"

"Don't you call my Emmett-teddy that," snapped Rosalie. But halfway through the sentence her voice turned soft.

Renesmee giggled. Bella and Edward cooed. Alice seemed to be stuck in a trance, though of course this wasn't strange.

"Help me get the tank out of the boot," said Jasper to Emmett. "I had to use your truck - if that was OK. Hurry, we don't want him to get dehydrated.

Emmett scowled, which immediately faded. He dragged his feet out of the room, muttering "Stupid feeling-controlling vampire."

Alice suddenly spoke, jumping out of her trance. "Vampire fish," she muttered.

"What did you say?!" asked Carlisle, alarmed.

"Great, I can teach it to jump through hoops!" shouted Emmett.


	2. Then it happened

Everyone stared at the fish. It stared back.

"It's wondering why we're staring at it," said Edward, smugly.

"I could have worked that out," grumbled Emmett.

"What exactly do you mean by "Vampire Fish", Alice?" asked Carlisle.

"It's all blurry," said Alice, staring into the distance. She grabbed a pen and started sketching. First a rectangular outline of a tank, followed by a vague shadow of a beautiful fish with terrifying red eyes.

Everyone gasped in horror. Especially Jasper, who was gazing at his beloved goldfish, swimming happily in the massive tank that took up a fifth of the living - room.

"But how…" said Carlisle.

"Did it…" said Esme.

"Manage to…" said Edward.

"Turn into a…" said Rosalie

"AWESOME CREATURE!!" said Emmett. He started jumping up and down, clapping his hands. "We could have a wrestling match, then a game of water polo…"

"A vampire must have bitten it," said Carlisle.

"Oh come on," said Edward. "Somehow one of us feels a bit thirsty and snatches up the goldfish and then…"

"That won't happen," snapped Jasper. He put a giant metal lock on the lid.

"It's made of glass." Alice sighed. Sometimes she wondered why he was so dumb for a vampire.

"I shall guard it," said Jasper, stalking out of the room. "Fish is not leaving my sight."

Everyone laughed.

It was followed by a sudden splintering of solid glass…


	3. Emmett's prank

"Emmett!" shrieked Esme. "How many times have I told you not to play baseball in the living room!"

"Sorry," said Emmett sheepishly, inspecting the damage of the front window.

"My beloved window!" gasped Carlisle. "No baseball for a week, Emmett!"

Groan.

Suddenly, there was a faraway CRASH.

"My convertible!" cried Rosalie.

"I thought you had car insurance," said Emmett."Oh well."

"He doesn't care," said Edward.

**Emmett POV**

"I don't," I said**.  
**

So, my goal of making everybody angry was on the road to success. Carlisle - check. Rosalie - check. Now, all I had to do was think something stupid for Edward, poke Nessie for Bella, then hide Nessie's locket, over-water Esme's flowers, scratch Alice's Porsche (I can hear her fuming already), and feed Jasper's golfish until it prctically exploded. Perfect.

**Two minutes later****...**

All done. Well apart from one. I was still asking myself whether this was appropriate while I was heading downstairs. Well, trust Jasper to become obsessed with a goldfish. There he was, gazing dreamily at it. He was obviously getting a bit carried away with his mood-changing act, judging by how happy the creature was becoming. It was practically leaping out of the over-the-top-tank and bashing its head against the high ceiling.

"Hey, Jazz, Alice has been abducted by a pack of aliens from Mars. They're holding her in the basement right now."

His face lit up with horror and worry. I could have burst out laughing. "Really?" he asked, and was up and off straight away. Perfect.

You might think this prank was a little too easy to be done, but under normal circumstances, with so many brainiacs in the family I needed to

1) Kidnap Alice. This was not as easy as it looked. First of all, she would see it coming. So, I had to make a snap decision. Then, she was about the smallest, fastest creature on Earth, that only Edward could catch her. Catch me asking Edward.

2) Hypnotise Edward.

3) Make the whole family deaf. Or blind. Or both.

Of course I didn't do that. I did'nt need to kidnap Alice. She was happy to cooperate, as she was in a mood with Jasper (and jealous of a fish, I suppose). And secondly, Edward did'nt care. He was too busy stuck in Happyland with his beloved Bella and Renesmee. And thirdly, maybe the whole family _were_ deaf, judging by the amount of noise going on. I did try shouting at the top of my voice in Rosalie's ear once. It did'nt work, and she screamed back.

Sooo, now that Jasper was out of the picture, I was ready to get down to business. There little Fish was, swimming innocently about the massive tank. I wondered what goldfish liked to eat. I decided to do a little experiment...with some AB negative...


	4. Bad timing

**Jasper.**

I was _fuming_ as I ran, well, as vampires were concerned, not exactly fuming, as my body temperature did not increase by a degree. I could see the undergrowth whizzing past, but the amount of ground I had covered did not register with my brain. "If you had a brain," Alice would chant if she was here now.

How _dare_ those aliens kidnap her.

Something hit me hard on the side of the head, and no, it was not the branch of a tree. The wind whistled around me, as if snickering at my sense of dumbness. Well, I had spent the last two hours looking for so-called aliens from mars in a so-called basement - that my darling big brother Emmett had said. I could imagine him now, howling with laughter at his pathetic brother Jasper. Any blood that I had not digested yet - boiled.

_**Goldfish**_.

The same blood ran cold. I conjured up the image of it, an innocent little goldfish swimming around helplessly, waiting to be savaged. Without knowing it, I was running. As it was impossible to think and run at the same time, I had to make several stops. Finally I was home. Of course, I was going to take care of Emmett, and give him a taste of his own medicine (OK, that sounds stupid, vampires don't even take medicine, but you get the point) but first I needed to...

_**NO!**_

If I was Alice or Esme or Rosalie or possibly Renesmee, I would have screamed. Instead, I froze. Which meant that my brain froze too. I couldn't think straight. My eyes locked on the exact spot where the tank had been. In the exact spot, there was...

Nothing. Just an empty space. Not even a trace of the tank remained. So where was it?! My eyes swivelled around the entire ground floor. Emmett was upstairs! I dashed up, bursting into Emmett and Rosalie's room. Then mine and Alice's. Finally Carlisle and Esme's.

They were all there, huddled into the centre of the bedroom, trying to hide something. I made no attempt to relieve their troubled feelings.

"Where is Fish?" I demanded.

"He wants to know where Fish is," said Edward stupidly. I glowered at him.

Emmett responded, biting on his lower lip. "Well you see, Jazz..."

He was interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream...


	5. The Fishy End

**Jasper.**

Before my troubled eyes, everyone seemed to be frozen, still gathered around in a tight circle which formed a tight barrier around _something_. No matter how I strained my brilliant eyes, I could not see through them, for it was unfortunate that vampires had not yet acquired X-ray vision.

Bella's arms tightened around Renesmee, who was covering her ears in pain. Edward even forgot to remind Bella to be careful not to strangle or even crush her daughter. Emmett chewed on his lower lip. Rosalie smoothed her hair, as vain as she usually was. Alice was a statue. It was impossible to tell that it was she who had screamed and practically made everyone deaf.

Though I could see and feel how much in shock they all were, I found it impossible to change their moods.

My eyes were particularly frozen on Alice.

"Alice, what is it?" I asked.

Alice remained frozen, staring into space. It was Edward who replied.

"Fish is..."

"Dead." finished Emmett, "sorry."

The world opened up in front of me. My eyes burned. I bared my teeth, though I probably didn't scare anybody. Suddenly I leapt on top of him, pushing him roughly to one side. Now I was in the centre of the circle. There was the tank, and it floated a dead helpless creature, belly up. There was also a trickle of blood. FISH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Carlisle put a hand on my shoulder, but it was probably more restraining than assuring.

"We're really sorry," he said sorrowfully. "There's nothing we can do."

"Yeah," said Emmett. "I'll get you another one."

I didn't reply.

"What about a hamster? Gerbil? Cat? Dog? Oh, I know, what about a guinea-pig? Their really cute..." Suddenly his voice cracked and he started blubbering noisily.

"Jasper!" cried Rosalie. "Stop making Emmett feel bad!" She put an arm around Emmett.

I snarled at her.

I reached into the tank and gently lifted little Goldfish out of the tank. Just within my field of vision I saw Carlisle tense and Edward's eyes widen. But they weren't quick enough for what was going to happen next. I took a deep breath, and sunk my teeth into the fishy flesh...


	6. Fishy Business

WARNING: THIS STORY IS NOT GOING TO END FOR QUITE SOME TIME IF EVER IN CASE YOU WERE IN ANY DOUBT. IF YOU WANT ME TO WRITE MORE, AND I HAVEN'T, FOR LIKE 20 WEEKS, THEN ITS NOT MY FAULT, I'M EITHER REVISING FOR BORING SCHOOL TESTS, MY PARENTS ARE BEING DELIBERATELY MEAN OR I'M JUST BUSY FOR SOME OTHER REASON. PLEASE DON'T WORRY, I WILL GET ROUND TO IT MOST OF THE TIME. IF YOU ARE SICK OF WAITING AND SICK OF MY STORIES, WELL, THIS DOESN'T AFFECT YOU IN ANY WAY.

Well, glad that's over. Now sit back, relax and read the next part of JASPER'S FISH. Bye! xx P.S. You better get ready to laugh! And leave comments. PLEASE!

**Jasper again.**

Euhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... yuck...

I felt nauseous.

Though I hated to admit it, judging by how much I loved them, goldfish tasted _disgusting_.

For normal humans (like you for example) , they would probably say _yuck_ at the idea of having blood as a staple diet. You don't know what you're missing out.

But, even for my acute taste buds, this was _vile_. Minging. Disgusting. Nauseating. Terrible. Sickening. _Bad._ I can't explain in words how truly revolting it truly was. It was worse than animal blood. Way worse than human blood. It was even worse than the time when Emmett shoved one of his smelliest socks in my face.

The room, and everyone in it, went all blurry. So I wasn't aware of, well let's see, Edward runs and builds momentum, then leaps across the room, Bella and Renesmee step sharply to one side, Edward narrowly misses them, and crashes into me, Carlisle's medical equipment, the fish tank and the half-dead fish sticking out of my mouth instead. My head was spinning so much I could only make out the vague shape of a giant UFO whirling through the air, before it hit me with a SMACK. Maybe the aliens have come back for me, I thought.

Then I heard, far away in the distance, Emmett say "Jeez, Edward, didn't know you were into wrestling. You could at least have practised with me, not with dozy Fish Guy here." So it was _Edward_. Oh, well. He seemed to be doing a lot of that kind of stuff anyway. And FISH GUY???!!! Where did he get that from?!

Then I heard, even fuzzier, Carlisle gasp, "Edward! That machinery cost me a fortune! No disabled deer for you tonight." Then Alice snickers. Then Esme's voice gradually fading, "Don't be so barbaric, Carlisle! You know Edward loves his deer disabled." Then Edward murmur in agreement. Then Carlisle moans. Bella says something in favour of Edward. Then Carlisle moans some more. Then...

I was gradually slipping into darkness. I suddenly remembered that my teeth were still attached to goldfish flesh. I tried withdrawing, unsuccessfully, to my dismay. I groaned, to see if it would attract attention, unsuccessfully, to my dismay. Everyone was still arguing. I gave up, and let myself fall into a deep dark pit that stank of goldfish.

At the last second before darkness consumed me, I noticed a tiny movement. Fish's tail flickered.


	7. It's a Hard Life

**Hi people sorry about the fact that I haven't posted anything in absolute AGES so I really hope that this chapter is worth the wait. Plus I hope you like my stories enough to keep posting REVIEWS. **

**Thanks and sorry again,**

**CC's heere xx**

**On with the story!**

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Fish POV

It's bad enough that you've just been fed disgusting stuff from a scary, immature monster that has totally blocked up your oxygen supply, it also turns out that your attempts at playing dead are totally IN VAIN.

So, instead of flushing you down a toilet into the freedom of the ocean, they've decided they want to have you FOR DINNER instead.

I once had a good friend who was unfortunately caught and roasted on top of a campfire. This was MUCH worse. I never wanted to die, since I am still a toddler goldfish, but this was so bad that I wanted to DIE. I felt as if I had been dropped into a pit of boiling lava that is not quite hot enough to kill me, but hot enough to make me want to kill myself.

It's a good thing that goldfish don't meow or bark or make weird noises, because I probably would have deafened everyone in Goldfish Kingdom.

It's a bit bad when your whole body is in PAIN, because you can't really think of what to do. Or say.

So what about a quick quiz??

Q1 What would you do if you were in my position?

Answer: You can't do anything. Well, I guess you can maybe swear to yourself. I feel like my Grandma Fin, who accidently jumped into a mug of boiling tomato soup. The owner certainly got a surprise when drinking it, I can tell you.

Q2 What would you do when a monster in a white coat has just picked you up and has attached you to a clamp stand ten metres above the ground and is shining a massive torch like a giant sun in your eyes?

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P.S. Anyone who has an answer to the question please include it in a REVIEW. I might even consider using the best idea in the next chapter. Hint Hint!!


	8. Dad's a druggie!

Hiya I'm back! Sorry, but this is going to be quite short. :(

Love, CC heere xx

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**Carlisle POV**

Hmm...mmm...uhh...

Personally, I prefer humans to goldfish, to be honest. They're not slippery, don't have gills, completely different respiratory mechanism... but I'm actually quite liking this one. I wonder if Jasper would mind me doing a few scientific experiments or so...

I stared at the little fishy creature clasped between the forceps in my right hand. Would he be in pain? Well, he was rather _quiet_, compared to all the other vampire incarnation processes in the family. He wriggled and squirmed and struggled for a moment then lay still. Wait a minute... SHOCK HORROR!

I gasped at Jasper's teeth marks on its tail. Some kind of orange substance oozed from the open wound, onto my hand. It smelled sweet, like Esme's perfume. It tingled on my skin. Quite nice. I wouldn't mind a bit more, actually...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I jumped a metre in the air, jolted out of my golfish land. The goldfish escaped my grasp and whirled through the air...

As expected, it was Emmett.

"Look what you've done!" I exclaimed, gesticulating at the body on the floor. "You're a disgrace to the family!"

"Ooooh, am I?" he snickered. He looked at me closer. "What's that on your face? Orange juice?"

"Ermm... nothing?" I replied, licking the sweetness off my fingers.

He glanced at the gooey mess on the floor, and soon put two and two together.

"Fish's blood! Can't you suck some Soothers instead? What kind of father are you..."

I waited as he ranted. My mind seemed to be growing hazy. The substance scorched on my tongue.

NEED MORE...NEED MORE... I sprang onto the floor, beside the body... but it was gone!

Well, it was in Emmett's hands. "Come and get it..." he taunted, as he flapped the fish's head from side to side.

I couldn't concentrate. My usually scientific brain was bleeping, like Emmett's alarm clock in the morning. I watched him make a clear getaway down the stairs, simultaneously yelling, "Father's a drug addict, Father's a drug addict!" at the top of his voice.

I was about to run in pursuit. My facial skin seemed to be _burning_. I put my hand on my face. It felt _scaly_.


End file.
